I like to think of myself as a very capable, independant person… I would say, almost to a fault.
I like to do things by myself. I like to know that if something needs to get done, I can do it and do it well. I like to take charge over my tasks and I love it when things are accomplished as effectively and efficiently as possible. I love systems and I love creating systems. I like things black and white, cut and dried, simple and straightforward. When you first meet me you might not think so, but as you get to know me and the kind of person I am, I think you will find this to be very true. I remember one morning while I was having a quiet time with my Lord, My friend walked into my room and looked over at me sitting on my bed. She laughed and asked “do you really do that every time you sit to read your Bible!?” I looked down and saw my highlighter perfectly lined up on one side of my Bible and all of my colored pens perfectly lined up on the other side. (of course they were organized from darker to lighter colors) I never even realized I did it, until that moment.
And while I don’t believe any of these things to be bad, in fact I like most of these weird aspects about myself, it leaves little room for for flexibility. In my mind things need to be done a certain way and in a certain time. And I have come to realize something, life doesn’t always work that way. Actually more often than not, it doesn’t work that way. While in my mind things are done very systematically, the rest of the world does not run on my system. I recently moved back to the US from Tijuana, Mexico. I started a job, I moved into a home and I am starting school. And let me tell you… It has been a whirlwind of unsystematic, craziness. I’ve realized that things are not always as clear and direct as I would like or would hope for. And I have felt, at many times, very...VERY unqualified to do the things I am doing and to make the decisions that need to be made.
Maybe you are like me. Maybe you can relate to what I am saying. (or maybe I just sound like an uptight crazy head.) But here is what I love. I AM totally unqualified. I can have as many plans, systems and structures as I can possibly come up with… But I will still be completely inadequate. Why? Because my life was never meant to be controlled by me. My life was never meant to fit inside a box. And the same goes for you and your life. While we like to think or have others think our life is under control, everything can blow over and be knocked down in the blink of an eye. And where do we turn when that happens? Well if you’re anything like me… you freak out. You frantically run around trying to pick up the little pieces that have fallen all over the ground and put them back together as perfectly as possible… Just to have it all fall apart again. And you try this over and over and over… and over again. Until you finally realize that it simply is not going to work. So then what? Well I for one am so incredibly thankful for a patient, gracious, loving God. There have been countless times, in the midst of me trying to pick up those pieces, He has been right behind me, tapping on my shoulder, extending his tender hand of help. And I in my “independance” have pushed him away. I’ve “let him know” that “i’ve got it” “I can handle it”. But you know what? When I finally come to the place where I realize that I don’t have it, that I can’t handle it, he’s still there! And in all of my countless un-qualifications, he is abundantly qualified. In my inadequacies, he is more than adequate. In fact, when we are willing to admit or insufficiencies, he pours out sufficiency onto us. Again, our lives were not meant to be controlled by us. They were meant to be controlled by the one person who knows what is going on every minute, of every day. Through our ups and downs he is constant. Let me tell you, I have never been so at peace and so full of Joy, then in the moment I decided to grab his tender hand of grace and give all the fallen pieces that come into life to my heavenly father. He is perfect, constant, and abundantly qualified and he WILL give you the strength, knowledge and the qualification you need to take the next step and to move forward.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
Isaiah 40:31 31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.
Isaiah 40:29 29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.